By Kirby Porter –
Memo to the Chief Executive – I’ve been having a bit of think about the access difficulties when we move the library up to MountView and believe I may have come up with a cost-effective solution.
As you know, I started off wondering what all the fuss was about. We were only planning to move 80 yards up the road and no reasonable person could object to that. No matter what was said at the engagement sessions. The other day, though, when I was having the Tesla serviced at Brooklane Motors, I had to walk up for a meeting in MountView. I never knew Evan Road was so steep. And that was before I saw the steps up to the building. I ended up getting Splash Cabs to take me the rest of the way.
A problem, perhaps, but then I remembered the old sedan chair that has been cluttering up my office since we stopped funding the Toolbot Museum back in 2011. What is a problem but an opportunity for effective people like us. I figured that with a lick of paint and a few nails here and there I could soon make it serviceable again and then hire a couple of sherpas to transport people up and down.
I contacted the Nepalese High Commission and sent them a couple of photographs of the job in hand and, after some hesitation, they agreed to send me two of their top men but only for three months as they thought that was the most that they could expect of even the fittest sherpa.
Another problem; another opportunity. I’ve built into their job description a requirement to train others to take over from them when they leave for a well-deserved early retirement. I’m sure the Horizontal Project will be able to furnish us with any number of volunteers even if it means replacing the flowers in the Market Square with plastic ones. I’m even considering asking the MensShack to come up with ideas on how to make the Sedan Chair more manoeuvrable. Some sort of ropes and pulley system. Possibly. You know how ingenious they are.
The best thing about this plan is that it is self-financing. The initial salary cost for the sherpas is coming from the money saved by not maintaining the old library building. Running costs and repairs will be minimal. Tea and biscuits (not chocolate) for the Horizontal Volunteers and paint and so-on for the MensShack to be covered by my other great idea. Sloanhaven’s very own Nemesis Reborn, based on the one in Alton Towers.
We’ll get the Ponyexpress land train to make it one of their stops and then challenge their customers to take on Scotland’s most daunting Sedan Chair experience. With appropriate charging, of course. It will mean that anyone wanting to use it to visit the library may have to wait at busy times but as they are mostly older people who don’t drive they have plenty of time to spare. Concessionary rates to be applied, as usual.
It’s all systems go here so all I need is your approval and we can start once the sherpas arrive. No need for any further consultation. The people of Sloanhaven will love it.